Here’s the Rub
For most couples, when he ejaculates, sex is over. Some couples don’t mind this, while others—both him and her—find it a frustrating problem that prevents both partners from going any deeper in their intimate exchange. Funny thing is, few couples ever talk about it. It’s a delicate topic for most, without question, so it should always be approached with mindfulness. It’s no secret that male ejaculation is the biggest limiting factor in most couples’ lovemaking.
Countless books have been written on the topic from countless perspectives. Some men reference Mantak Chia’s work, which inadvertently has an ability to suck all of the “sexiness” out of the equation, and make the practice feel a bit more like a medical procedure than a wild erotic play with an intimate partner. This kind of overtly technical approach might leave a woman looking up at her partner wondering why he looks like he’s trying to fix a carburetor while he’s on top of her. Perplexed by the complexities of esoteric non-ejaculatory techniques, some men may seek out OM’ing as an alternative strategy for prolonging sex. “Handle her needs first, then it doesn’t matter how long I take,” he may think to himself.
It’s important I mention that I have great respect for both Mantak Chia’s work and for OM’ing, amongst the countless other teachers and techniques available in this regard. Teaching this subject matter is not easy. What I am describing here is the perspective of the average man when it comes to facing the dilemma of prolonging lovemaking and ejaculatory control. The landscape is riddled with boobytraps, barriers, and setbacks that have most men not even entertain the idea of multiple orgasms, and, for the few who do give it a shot, find themselves quickly discouraged and give up entirely. I mean, why go through all this trouble when there’s Viagra?
From the time I was first introduced to this work, the idea of multiple, non-ejaculatory orgasms was fascinating. But even with years of study, hands-on practice, and in-person guidance, I found most of the instruction out there to be unhelpful, frustrating, overtly esoteric, or too general to produce any real results.
“Inhale down the front, exhale up the spine. Shoot the orgasm up your spine,” they say. Yeah, OK. Figure that one out. Few ever do, even amongst the dedicated practitioners. This instruction would be the equivalent of someone showing you a map of the United States, and when you asked, “how do I get from LA to NY?” they drew a straight line across the map between the two cities. They’re not wrong, but shit… good luck!
It took years of dedicated practice, trial and error, and ongoing intimate exploration both alone and with my intimate partner to finally crack the code. Once you do, it’s an infinite world of possibility—the types of experiences possible for you and your intimate partners are endless. And staying in right relationship to those experiences is crucial to deepening your practice.
I truly believe all men and women would benefit greatly to have this practice introduced to their lovemaking, but the endeavor shouldn’t be taken on lightly. The most important piece is that both partners are on board for the journey. Mutual support allows the process to unfold most naturally, and is the path of least resistance. He shouldn’t be held solely accountable or expected to do this alone. And he most certainly shouldn’t be doing this in the face of judgement, criticism, or trying to prove himself worthy to his lover.
This is a notoriously difficult topic to teach—especially in written format. It is for this very reason that I’ve been inspired to write this article in the first place. I do not claim to be more advanced or better educated than any of the masters out there teaching this subject. I have great reverence for the work of the great masters, yet even with years of disciplined study and practice, I have still found their instructions to make the barriers to entry into the world of non-ejaculatory orgasms feel a million miles away at times. While much of what the sacred sexuality masters teach are important lessons and powerful techniques, many of these points can be confusing, even distracting, at first.
There is a lot that can be omitted from the practice when first getting started, which will help you progress quickly. Our objective is to prioritize only that which is most efficient and effective to help get you from point A to point B. That first jump from point A to point B is the most difficult to make. If you can make it to point B, the entire world of multiple orgasms becomes considerably easier to navigate.
My objective in writing this article is two-fold:
1. To omit the unnecessary complexities from the equation, so what you practice is as efficient, effective, and practical as possible.
2. To help you get from point A to point B, without being easily discouraged, overwhelmed, or giving up before you’ve even had a chance to get started.
The hardest part in all of this is getting to the starting point—the point where you can consciously choose how you want to navigate the moment of climax. If you can’t make it to this starting point, none of the other techniques or teachings are going to be very useful or make much sense to you.
This tutorial is designed to help you get there in 21 days.
Keep in mind, what I am presenting here is my own “Sexual Jeet Kune Do” or unique blend of “Mixed Spiritual Arts (MSA)”, if you will. It is not any one method or technique from any one teacher or lineage. It is the preservation of only that which I have found most efficient and effective, and have adapted via the merging of multiple techniques over the course of a decade of disciplined practice. The practice presented here is not the final destination. It is just a starting point, which once reached, will bring the entire world of multiple, non-ejaculatory orgasms and prolonged lovemaking within your grasp.
Because this article is designed for beginners, there are several key concepts that are often traditionally taught with non-ejaculatory orgasm techniques that have been deliberately removed from this tutorial. These concepts can be useful at more advanced levels of practice, but when just starting out, they have the potential to prohibit, confuse, or permanently derail your practice. Some of these elements are:
1. Spiritual Belief. You do not need to believe in any kind of spiritual, mystical, or unquantifiable energy that is responsible for or required to have multiple non-ejaculatory orgasms—it’s not.
2. Chakras. The primary traditions of greatest influence on sacred sexuality all share some version of a chakra system in their teachings. These systems can be very useful, particularly for more advanced students, but for our purposes, they are entirely unnecessary. Their premature introduction will likely create more confusion than necessary, and can be disregarded entirely.
3. Internal Muscle Contractions. Mula Bandha, Uddiyana Bandha, and Jalandhara Bandha are just a few “yogic locks” of Indian origin in which specific muscle groups are contracted in certain ways to manipulate the flow of internal, sexual, or subtle energy moving throughout the body. Scrotal Compression and the Power Lock are similar techniques taught in the Taoist approach. Most often emphasized is the lock that occurs at the base of the body (PC muscles, testicals, perineum, anus)—the “root lock,” similar to kegel exercises—but keep in mind, there are countless variations and subtleties to this technique alone, depending on which tradition you study, which is exactly why we are omitting it. Secondly, when first getting started, this internal locking technique has more potential to throw you off track than keep you on it. Used incorrectly, this technique can easily cause you to ejaculate rather than help create the effect we are looking for, which is to help you redirect or bypass ejaculation. Internally contracting the bodily base is a bad idea for anyone first learning the technique, and is not necessary to get from point A to point B.
4. Visualizing Energy Up the Spine. This is a concept that can be found in many yogic and esoteric teachings, sometimes referenced as “kundalini rising.” This too can be a concept men get stuck on for no good reason. Most men find themselves waiting to feel some kind of experience to move from their balls, up their spine, and then explode in their head. The problem is, in looking for it, your attention is already compromised, and attention is everything in this practice. You may find yourself waiting, indefinitely, for something that isn’t going to occur until you’ve first developed skillfulness in the more remedial aspects of practice first. If your attention is absorbed in some magical energy that’s supposed to be coursing up your spine, you certainly won’t have the bandwidth to do what’s far more important during those crucial climactic moments of sexual activity. This instruction has also been entirely disregarded for this tutorial.
5. Elitism. Often practitioners who’ve cracked this code speak about it as something that is holier than thou—as if it makes you a better man, more spiritual, or more enlightened. If you want to believe any of those ideas, that’s your business. But here, we will make no such silly associations.
Non-ejaculatory orgasms do not make you a better man, more spiritual, or more enlightened. But they will certainly prolong lovemaking, allow you to more consciously navigate intimate moments, and support you in making your sex life something that is ultimately compatible with your spiritual life. So leave your ego at the door—no one is getting enlightened here.
There are many other omissions from this text, but these are the key points which may stand out as obvious omissions for anyone who has studied this kind of practice before. Their absence isn’t from ignorance, it’s intentional, and the primary reason I’ve decided to create this tutorial.
Don’t Believe the Hype
In its essence, this practice is ultimately a spiritual one. If you are here to learn how to fuck like a porn star, get harder erections, experience more intense orgasms or master some technique that is going to “drive her wild,” there are many other places you can go—like your local pharmacist. That is not what we are doing here, nor is it what the practice of sacred sexuality is about.
In our sexual maturity, what we ultimately discover is a letting go of our accumulated sexual tensions—the guilt, the shame, the traumas, the cravings, the closures, the fears—that haunt us chronically and poison the intimate relationships of our lives.
Whether this becomes a spiritual practice for you, or remains just a nice skill to have, what we ultimately come to realize is that experience is experience. Chocolate chip cookies taste amazing, but eat too many, and we suffer the consequences. Ejaculatory orgasms are the same, and non-ejaculatory orgasms are no different. We aren’t here to achieve some heightened state of orgasmic release—we are here to learn how to transcend the craving for release/escape/collapse entirely.
It isn’t that non-ejaculatory orgasms are superior to ejaculatory orgasms—some are, some aren’t.
It’s that you begin to realize the negative impact you experience physically, mentally, and emotionally every time you ejaculate into a rag, on your partner, or down the drain. You compromise your vitality and your ability to engage life from your greatest potential every time your seed unconsciously goes to waste.
This isn’t about chasing some spiritual high, this is about getting back to homeostasis, living your full uncompromised potential, where you are no longer habitually depleting yourself in an effort to escape or release the intensities of life.
Confronting the Reactive Mind
When we experience a pleasant sensation, our body-mind craves more of that sensation.
When we experience an unpleasant sensation, our body-mind mind tries to avoid that sensation.
This practice isn’t about chasing pleasurable, erotic, or ecstatic sensations—further aggravating the reactive mind. This practice is intended to transcend these habit patterns of craving and aversion, using sacred sexuality as the vehicle in which we explore equanimity in relationship to pleasure, sex, and intimate relating.
Overcoming the reactive mind is a foundational principle taught in many spiritual traditions. It’s epitomized by the notion of abiding in a state of equanimity—the transcendence of the compulsive behaviors governed by craving and aversion. Some say it’s the doorway to enlightenment.
Whether or not you subscribe to it’s spiritual implications, this very orientation is required for proficiency in non-ejaculatory control. This principle is foundational to the very essence of sacred sexuality. Ironically enough, we are aiming to develop the capacity for equanimity in the one place it is nearly impossible for most people to find it—in the midst of intimate relating. We don’t need to be spiritual masters to develop the ability to enjoy non-ejaculatory orgasms, but if your body-mind is in a chronic state of reactivity, every step of this practice is going to be that much more difficult for you. For some of you, these preparatory items might help explain a lot of why your progress has been slowed or stunted indefinitely. It’s not impossible to develop this practice despite all of these things being in your life, it just makes the process much more difficult than it needs to be. Here are a few things to consider…
The more sugar, salt, eggs, and meat you consume, the more your body is going to want to ejaculate. There are dietary reasons for this, but even deeper, there are psychological reasons for this. Spiritual wisdom understands that indulgence permits indulgence. These substances have the potential to overstimulate and aggravate the reactive mind. Reactivity is the very thing we are going to confront head-on in this practice. If your body-mind is constantly craving its next sugar fix, it is more than likely also craving a fix in other areas of your life as well, most commonly expressed in its relationship to sex. If you eliminate processed foods, and excessive amounts of sugars, salt, eggs, and meat from you diet, your body will “cool down” and your relationship to ejaculation will change based on your diet alone. If you’re always feeling overheated, tense, or sexually wound up (the need to fuck or fight), your diet may have a lot to do with it.
Alcohol, Narcotics and Prescription Drugs
As mentioned above, craving is what we are confronting head-on when it comes to the practice of non-ejaculatory orgasms. If your body-mind is constantly craving substances like alcohol, narcotics, or prescription drugs, all of these substances will directly affect your body-mind’s relationship to reactivity, and ultimately your relationship to orgasm—not to mention the laundry list of other physiological and psychological side effects that may be taking place. Dependence on any substance will make it far more likely that you will feel compelled to give in at every one of those critical moments of orgasm rather than transform that energy into a disciplined conservation of life-force.
Porn and Fantasizing During Sexual Activity
If you have developed a habit of watching porn during any kind of sexual activity, you may find yourself constantly craving it, or requiring it to get aroused. When it isn’t available, you may find yourself in situations with an intimate partner where you will need to close your eyes and fantasize an imaginary sexual scene in order to stay aroused or reach climax. This habit can be a hard one to break.
Think about how many times you’ve ejaculated while watching porn or closing your eyes fantasizing an imaginary sexual scene versus how many times you were perfectly present with the intimate partner you were having sex with. For most men, that number is going to be staggeringly disproportionate. Most men’s nervous systems have been conditioned since puberty to adulthood to fantasize and ejaculate, often as quickly as possible to avoid being caught in the act. The result is a habit of ejaculating quickly and dependence on imaginary sex scenes, even while your physically having sex with a real person!
Unwinding all of this pre-programed patterning is a practice unto itself. For this tutorial, all you need to know is that when first learning the practice of non-ejaculatory control, do not watch porn, and do not fantasize during lovemaking. Both will trigger your nervous system to ejaculate.
Even after years of unwinding this habit and learning ejaculatory control without porn, when you go back to watching porn, you may notice the impulse to ejaculate quickly is still very strong. If we are serious about developing this practice, masturbating to porn is out, and fantasizing about others during lovemaking is out.
Build Your Sexual Energy Reserves
The more recently you’ve ejaculated, the more difficult this practice will be. When you’re depleted, there won’t be much sexual energy in your genitals to work with in order to manipulate the sensations and redirect the energy throughout the rest of your body. It’s like gas in a car, except your tank needs to be at least at 50% full for this car to drive. Additionally, the more recently you’ve ejaculated the stronger the urge to ejaculate again will be. The longer you go without ejaculating, the less intense that feeling will be.
Even when first starting out, you should not be ejaculating more than once per week. This is as often as you can get away with without sabotaging your progress. Once you’ve developed the ability to bypass ejaculation, do not ejaculate more than 1-2 times per month. This being said, you shouldn’t become militant about not ejaculating, like it’s something evil you should never do again. Sometimes the internal pressure will build to a point of discomfort or distraction. It’s OK if you want to release the pressure valve every now and again in these moments. You will feel the need to release the pressure less and less frequently as your body develops greater and greater capacity to retain and circulate sexual energy.
Don’t be discouraged if you ejaculate. You will more than likely ejaculate again at some point in the future. When you do, don’t make it a big deal. Just get back on the horse and start again—and expect that the next time you engage in sexual activity, the urge to ejaculate again will be stronger than if you didn’t ejaculate. The one trick I’ve learned over the years is that if you do ejaculate, find the stamina and drive to arouse yourself again. Even if you don’t want to, get yourself as aroused as possible, and then go about your day with that additional charge built up in the genitals. This will help keep the sexual energy building. Otherwise, it will take longer for the sexual energy to reaccumulate without any sexual stimulation at all.
It’s Like Playing the Drums
Imagine a drummer—his right foot pounding away at the kick drum, one hand rapidly tapping the high-hat, while every few seconds the other hand smashes the snare. Watching from afar, you may have never fully considered what it takes to make all that banging sound good. But if you’ve ever sat behind a drum set, it quickly sinks in just how insane it feels to have each body part doing something radically different from the other, and trying to make those very differentiated, alternately timed motions come together as a single, unified sound. This is exactly how the practice of non-ejaculatory orgasm feels—except it’s taking place inside your body. To succeed, your body must become a perfectly timed, coordinated symphony of separate parts all working together, playing one song. If any of these parts become tight, lazy, or overstimulated… splat.
Just like a drummer, you need to practice before you’re ready to play with others. You can try to teach yourself drums while jamming with other musicians, but everyone may feel a bit frustrated by your inability to keep up. The same applies here. You need to first learn how to navigate your breath, movements, and internal sensations on your own before you’ll be any good at these skills with an intimate partner. Don’t try learning them on the fly, in the midst of lovemaking. Practice on your own and bring your cultivated practice to your partner when you’ve developed the ability to coordinate your breath and movements, while navigating the flow of sensations without missing a beat.
I. Breathe With Your Belly
Belly breathing is a specific breathing technique where when you inhale, your belly expands, like you just ate Thanksgiving dinner, and when you exhale, your belly draws in, like you’re trying to squeeze into pants 3 sizes too small. There are all sorts of various techniques around belly breathing, but here I’m going to point out the ones that make all the difference when it comes to non-ejaculatory orgasms.
A. Focus exclusively on the lowest portion of the belly, between the navel and the genitals—the lower, the better. This area is key in manipulating sexual energy throughout the body. It needs to remain soft and supple for the entire duration of sexual activity. Tension in this area will interfere with your practice. Over time, you may even begin to notice this area becomes tense in the moments you ejaculate. Our objective is to completely unwind this automatic tensing response in the lower belly, leading up to and during climax.
B. Your lower belly must expand out with every inhale and draw in with every exhale. This area should expand out like a balloon filling with air with every inhalation. And it should draw (or suck) inwards, like your lower belly is trying to kiss the inside of your spine with every exhalation. One of the biggest mistakes men make with this instruction is they tense their abs, either by forcing their bellies out or contracting their bellies in. This is incorrect and will stifle your progress. There should be no tension in the lower belly muscles whatsoever when doing this practice correctly. Adding any tension to the lower belly muscles (or pelvic floor muscles) will only increase the likelihood of premature ejaculation.
C. Inhale deeply and exhale fully. It is important to inhale deeply and exhale fully, much more than you’re probably used to, but you do not want to breathe so intensely that it causes tension in the body.
D. This breathing technique needs to be active throughout the entire duration of practice. From the moment sexual activity begins, you are belly breathing. You are belly breathing leading up to climax, throughout climax, and when you get on the other side of climax, awaiting the next wave of orgasms. It’s OK to take periodic rests from belly breathing during sexual activity, and allow your breath to become entirely natural and stop all efforting for moments at a time. With practice, this belly breathing technique will feel more natural to you than breathing shallow. But give yourself time to get used to it, and permission to take intermittent breaks as your body adapts.
E. Allow your hips to rock with the breath. If your hips are locked in place, it will be difficult to properly move the sexual energy throughout your body. Rigidity, tension, and contraction all lead to an early ejaculatory response. To prevent this, as you inhale and your belly expands, slightly arch your lower back, and allow your hips to tilt forward, as if you were withdrawing your penis from your lover’s vagina. Then, as you exhale and your belly draws in, slightly round your lower back and allow your hips to tilt backwards, as if you were penetrating your lover deeply. Inhale = withdraw. Exhale = penetrate. Whether you are self pleasuring or making love to a partner, the hips should always remain “unlocked” and rocking subtly in sync with every breath.
II. Inhale to Build Sexual Energy
As you inhale, and your lower belly expands, become aware of your pelvic floor. Feel deep inside the lowermost region of your body as it fills with breath. You should feel a growing pressure building inside of you swelling—compressing and stimulating your genital region. This pressure helps stimulate the genitals and increase sexual arousal simply by applying internal pressure against the soft tissues and organs. If you are losing your erection and want to get harder, or want to increase sexual intensity, inhale deeply using the exact belly breathing technique described above and hold the breath for a second or two. Repeat as many times as necessary. Be careful not to overdo it and accidentally push yourself passed the point of no return.
III. Exhale! And Hold During the Critical Moments
As mentioned above, the inhale is like pressing your foot on the gas. It’s your way of building sexual energy in the lower body and increasing stimulation in the genitals. The deeper the breath, the more downward internal pressure accumulates, the harder that engine is going to rev. You DO NOT want to do this when near the crisis point of ejaculation. It will push you over the edge. Instead, you must do the exact opposite.
As you feel the sexual intensity build to about 80-90% (depending on your unique sensitivity), and you approach climax, you will exhale all of the breath out of your body, while keeping the belly draw in and soft. Keep holding the exhale out until the body regains equilibrium, and is capable of continuing the sexual exchange. If you have to slow down all movements or come to a complete standstill in these moments, then do exactly that. Keep riding that edge, stimulating your genitals to 80-90%, and then repeat this exhalation technique until your regain full control over the moment. How many times you ride that edge during sexual activity, and how close you come to that edge, will be determined by your skill level. Don’t push too far too fast, it will slow your progress.
If you have exhaled fully and are running out of breath but still feel overstimulated, you can inhale again, but when you inhale, make it shallow, as to not aggravate the genitals. Then, exhale and hold out again as many times necessary.
IV. Feel Out and Relax
Here’s one of the greatest tricks of them all. It’s one of the primary reasons for instructions like “visualize energy moving up your spine”, “clench your jaw”, “roll your eyes upwards”, etc. When your attention becomes fixated on the sensations in your genitals, the chances of premature ejaculation increases. What all of these practices are ultimately doing is redirecting your attention somewhere other than your genitals using other sensations (and sometimes visualizations) as the primary vehicle.
This is why if you clench your jaw intensely while approaching climax, your mind will redistribute attention into your jaw, and make it possible to diffuse the stimulating sensations upwards using sensory awareness alone.
During the critical moments of approaching climax, when you exhale fully, feel out in every direction. Feel the tops of your ears, the tips of your fingers, the soles of your feet; utterly relax and soften all parts of your body as you do so. Feel the tip of your tongue, the top of your head, the center of your heart… by directing your awareness to these areas during climax, you can will the redistribution of sexual energy throughout your entire body. A heightened state of concentration on the other sensations taking place throughout your body is required. It’s like your genitals are the positive end of the battery, the other areas you’re feeling into are the negative end, and you’re objective is to complete the the circuit using nothing more than feeling-attention.
Without question, there is significance to where you send this accumulated sexual energy, whether it be up your spine, into specific organs, into your partner or out to infinity. But for all intensive purposes, we do not have to worry about that now. That can come in after we’ve developed the ability to bypass ejaculation and diffuse the accumulated sexual energy from the genitals to, and through, the entire body.
V. Apply Pressure to Your Perineum
This technique is best used during self pleasuring, as it can be awkward and quite challenging to pull off gracefully during lovemaking. This technique is also a learning tool, and ultimately, isn’t required once you’ve become more proficient in these practices, particularly once you’ve developed proficiency with the internal locks.
Leading up to the point of climax, apply pressure to your perineum, the space between the testicles and anus, using three fingers of one hand (index, middle and ring fingers). You will feel your urethra here, and can apply pressure directly to it and the immediate region around it. Experiment with applying different levels of pressure, at slightly different angles.
As you approach climax, this area will begin to spasm. At first, it may only spasm at the immediate moment of ejaculation, but over time, as your ability to bypass ejaculation increases, this area can develop a full range of nuanced spasms that ripple multiple orgasmic sensations across the entire body. You will feel the muscles flutter beneath your fingers.
Depending on where you are in relationship to climax at any given time (60, 70, 80, 90, 100%), the amount of pressure required to avoid ejaculation will change. The closer your are to climax, the more pressure you will need to prevent ejaculating. Some techniques may advise avoiding the spasm at the base of the body entirely, while others will place more emphasis on whether or not anything is coming out of the penis.
Use this technique in tandem with all of the above. Not only at the most critical points, but even leading up to climax. Become familiar with the sensations taking place in this area of your body—they may surprise you.
Eventually, as you continue to store sexual energy in your body, you will be able to feel micro-spasms occurring in this area all throughout the day, and have the ability to control what you do with those sensations through basic breathing and internal contraction techniques. You can absolutely develop the ability to send mini-orgasms throughout your entire body any time of day.
21 Days of Practice
1. Avoid ejaculating for 21 days. If you ejaculate, start over. It doesn’t matter if it’s day 20—start over. Don’t be discouraged if you do ejaculate, as the process of ejaculating and starting over again actually helps make your practice stronger!